Listen Up!

My mom had our clock radio tuned to the local country music station, when I was a kid. Music was our morning alarm, so I got ready for school listening to tunes like The Gambler by Kenny Rogers, Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson, and Wasn't that a Party by the Irish Rovers.

My dad bought me albums of popular children's music, including Raffi, Fred Penner and Sharon Lois and Bram. I also enjoyed his record collection: Pink Floyd, Moody Blues and The Steve Miller Band.

As a teenager, my music choices branched even further out. I had hundreds of cassette tapes. Everything from soft, hard and alternative rock to pop, post punk and new wave. My cousin and I went to several concerts together, including Neil Young, Rolling Stones, The Tragically Hip and Rush.

Lyrics are usually catchy. One could easily learn the words to a song, but never quite hear its message. A prime example of this is Freewill from Rush's album Permanent Waves.

Back then, the profound meaning behind the song went over my head and I missed the important lesson: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

It wasn't until 2012, when I read a story titled Choices by a man who proclaimed "no one gets a pass on the obligation of choice," that I finally got it. He was referring to those who stay in unhappy or abusive relationships.

I had been living in a relationship that was very much one-sided. I gave up on my wants and needs and surrendered control to my partner. I thought marriage was forever and that our love for each other could conquer anything. In reality, I was the one who was doing all the work. He was emotionally unavailable, detached and indifferent to my pain. Like many others living in similar situations, I felt powerless.

I was existing in a vicious cycle of hope and unfulfilled promises. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. BUT, by doing nothing, I was still making a choice. Once I understood this, I realized I had many options. I could choose deliberately (or by doing nothing) to stay in the dysfunctional relationship, or I could hold him accountable for his behaviour and leave. I became empowered and chose to take action. No more passive choices.

Don't leave your life to chance. Take control. Make informed choices. Choose FREEWILL.

Yours truly,

Stephanie

Are You Paralyzed by Fear?

Hopes and dreams abound in the minds of many people. Unfortunately, without courage to act on them, that’s where they often stay. Fear is a powerful emotion with the potential to keep you from reaching yours. Self-doubt perpetuates self-doubt.

Last February, I was invited to apply for a company that provides writing services. Honoured to be considered and excited at the prospect, I quickly prepared and submitted my resume. I presented as a confident and eager candidate and had a successful interview resulting in a job offer.

Although I had studied journalism in college, frequently received compliments on my writing and was my friends’ go-to person for all things writing-related, I immediately began to doubt my ability.

Feedback improved with each completed project, yet I remained cautiously optimistic:

I obsessed over every detail of every project.

I read every email a hundred times before hitting send.

I didn’t want to look incompetent, so I was reluctant to ask for clarity.

I took corrections to my work and constructive criticism hard and attacked myself for being stupid.

The flow of work was steady and I was happy to accept as many projects as I could. In one case, I accepted the work without reviewing my new client's file first. When I opened it, my heart froze and my stomach dropped. There was five times as much material to go through than what I had seen so far. Panic ensued.

My internal dialogue was not pretty: What had I been thinking? I knew it was too good to be true. I can’t do this job. I’m in way over my head. I’m going to get fired and I just got hired. I’m a failure. 

I experienced heart palpitations, as I paced the floor and bit my nails. Walking from one room to another, it seemed as though I was looking for something. A life raft perhaps. Something to keep me from drowning in my own self-pity. I grabbed my phone instead.

Using facetime, I called my boyfriend. He was sympathetic and listened to me rant. He remained calm, cool and collected. His demeanor was somewhat contagious and I listened as he helped me to challenge my distorted thinking. He suggested I start with what I knew and take care of the easy things first. With his help, I was able to regain my composure and complete the project on deadline.

After discussing this episode with my therapist, she shared a technique that helped me to put risk and reward in perspective and minimize my fear of failure. She simply pointed out the worst case scenario in this situation, which would be getting fired, and asked how that would affect me six months from now? I told her I would recover and find another job.

As Franklin D. Roosevelt said in his inaugural address, "The only thing we have to fear is... fear itself."

In order to overcome my fear, I had to face it head on. I learned I couldn’t allow fear to keep me from trying, or I would fail by default. As it turns out, I’ll be celebrating my first work anniversary in a few days.

Cheers,

Stephanie

Be Mindful of Your Feelings

If you’re looking for an understanding and sympathetic ear, you’ve found one. I feel like I've been through my fair share of heartache and pain and can be an empathetic listener. I'm happy to share my life experiences, with hope they provide inspiration and empowerment to others.

Follow my story and you will witness the transformation of a woman who came close to losing all hope, to one who has had her hope restored. I was heartbroken, but I persevered through the pain. I discovered a strength of character, which had been developing in me for almost two decades, as I journeyed through a dysfunctional relationship.

One of the things I learned throughout my ordeal is the importance of acknowledging your feelings. I believe this is key to reclaiming yourself. Be mindful of whether or not you are happy. If you are unhappy, think about why.

Blow off steam by incorporating exercise into your daily routine. It is scientifically proven to help allieviate depression and anxiety. Go for a walk or hit the gym. This can help you process your thoughts, relax and reduce your stress levels.

Don't keep your troubled thoughts to yourself. Talk about them to a trusted friend or family member. They can help you brainstorm ways to improve your situation or simply listen to you vent.

If you're too embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help or talk to a family member or friend, make an appointment with a health care professional. Sometimes just being able to talk to an unbiased third-party will help you to sort out your thoughts.

One thing for sure, sharing your burdens will definitely lighten the load. Remember, you're not alone.

Warm regards,

Stephanie